I have been feeling blah lately. It's the classic depression sneaking in. I have gained a lot of weight over the past few years and I can't tell if that is what is causing the underlying depression, or if I just need to take my medication again.
I am not sure why I have this constant battle with myself. I take my medicine, then I wean myself off, then I decide to go back on. It is a constant back and forth battle. When will I just learn that I need to keep myself medicated?
My self-esteem is seriously in the toilet. I am self-conscious. I don't like, nor do I care, if I look nice anymore. I feel fat and disgusting. I wish I could embrace my fat and love myself despite it, but I can't help but look at my weight as failure. Failure to be healthy. Failure to keep the weight off that I had lost. Failure to keep the depression away. Failure to find a better way to reduce stress.
Seriously, I look terrible. I saw this picture and wanted to die. I'm oozing all over the place. Maybe this will be my motivation to do something!
Let's face it, I will never boast a fat acceptance mantra. What is preventing me from just getting off my ass and going to work out? Why can't I seem to embrace the healthy lifestyle I lived 5 years ago?
How do I break down these walls?
Sorry you are in a low place right now. I think it's the nature of the medications that they make you feel better and able to come off them. Remember that it is a societal pressure regarding weight and it is completely arbitrary and changing. You need to do what works for you. you are not a failure. That wall comes down a brick at a time. You already took one brick down with this post. It is intelligent and inciteful. You'll be okay.
ReplyDeleteYou can do this. You really just have to push yourself through it.
ReplyDeleteI guess I am going to give you some tough love. Weight loss is never easy and we can make a million excuses to rationalize our lack of action in this department. I was the queen of "I just don't have time", "My medication is making me do X, Y, Z".
The fact is I had more time than I gave myself credit for it. If I got up 30 minutes earlier I could start a workout routine, If I skipped one television show I would have one more hour.
If I watched what I ate HONESTLY I could/would be able to shed the pounds. But I had to be honest. At the end of the day my first few attempts were failures because I wasn't motivated or dedicated enough to push through it. I blamed outside forces until one day I woke up and realized the only problem in the equation was me.
I have cancer, I run still. I am on countless medications that cause weight gains. I still track everything I eat and although it's very slow I have been able to creep closer to my goal.
You can do this. If you want to. If not you have to found a way to accept yourself where you are at THIS moment.
Depression is a scary battle! I had to find what makes me, me and remember it every time I sink into that dark place again. It's not easy, but it can be done.
ReplyDeleteIn the words of my late Grandma, 'Be Gentle With Yourself.' There is only one of you and you deserve to find something amazing about yourself to hold onto when you start to struggle. I am sure you are an amazing nurse, wife and friend. I admire your blog. Hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I feel this way on an almost daily basis. I try to take a few minutes out of each day just for myself. It seems to help.
ReplyDeleteHi, I've just come across your blog. I also suffer from depression and have time and time again come off my medication then had to start again. I've had an eating disorder since I was in my teens and I have spent most of my life seriously underweight. I know exactly what you mean about your self esteem and self consciousness. I have developed fibromyalgia now which means that I am back on medication for that aswell, but I still find myself wanting to come off it. You are not alone, if you ever want to chat just let me know. Amy x
ReplyDeleteI hit a rut after I had Everly and I've been down about myself for about 8 months because of my weight and my "new body". For some reason, I cannot get motivated, no matter how badly I want to lose the baby weight. Laying on the couch and watching Grey's is much easier. Celebrate small victories. 3 flights of stairs, saying "yes" to green tea and "no" to mt dew, drinking more water in one day. It seems to help me.
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