Being a "real nurse" again

Last week was a difficult week for a lot of people. While the government was turning over a new president and new people came to power, I was working the night shift in an intensive care unit. I think I mentioned before that I decided to leave my cushy office job and go back to being a "real nurse" (as termed by many people - I was still a real nurse in my opinion). 
I can honestly say that over the past 4-ish years, I forgot what it was like to be a "real nurse". I mean, I was still a "real nurse". I was educating staff and occasionally helping out on the floor. I picked up weekend hours. But I forgot what being on your feet for 12 hours felt like. 
I forgot that I will I come home and my feet and my back will hurt. Because I am constantly going between rooms to titrate drips, check vital signs, perform assessments, and make sure that someone's loved one is safe for the 12 hours that I am on shift. 
I forgot what it felt like to not be able to go drink, eat and pee whenever I need to. 
I forgot what it felt like to have a knot in my throat because I am holding back tears because I know, that despite my best efforts and the best efforts of the entire medical staff, I won't be able to save this patient. And I can't let the family see that I know their loved ones fate because they don't know or realize it yet.
I forgot what it feels like when a family thanks you for doing everything you could do to help. And what it feels like when you do actually help someone and they get better.
I forgot that after a 12-hour shift, when I close my eyes, I will hear the beeps of call lights, telemetry monitors, IV pumps, and ventilators until I eventually fall asleep.
I forgot how much I love taking care of people. I am happy to be a real nurse again.

Day #232: Nursing Wisdom

I have been a registered nurse since 2006, when I graduated with an associates degree. I recently graduated with my bachelor's degree and I start grad school this month, in hopes of earning a master's degree in nursing education. I love teaching and hope to do so full-time one day! However, for the past 5 years I have been working in a very busy ER in Saginaw, Michigan.

Have any of you heard of Saginaw? We are mostly known for poverty and crime. So, you can imagine what working in the ER must be like. It can be pretty interesting. 
Let's start with an area called "Triage". Triage is a french word meaning, "to sort". Triage is the first place you'll go, as a patient in the ER. Since I am one of the more experienced nurses, I am in triage A LOT. It's the place where I obtain the patient's chief complaint, vital signs and past medical history.

Triage can be an interesting place to work. You hear all kinds of patient complaints. In addition to the above memes, which I have personally heard spoken, people also complain of passings "clogs" (blood clots) and sneezers (seizures) because he or she forgot to take their peanut butterball (Phenobarbital).

 It also still surprises me the amount of people who come in complaining of abdominal pain, but sit in the waiting room eating chips, drinking pop and/or coffee. Trust me, it happens everyday!

This above meme is very true. It's surprising how good you get at guessing a persons blood alcohol after 5 years of ER experience. The doctors get in on this action too.

I have never done the above confession. I swear. 

Before I leave you, I want to share a couple more nurse confessions that I can relate to.

I can't lie...me and my paramedic/pre-med student husband totally do this. 

If I ever meet anyone of you, you can be certain that at some point I will scope out your hand veins. I can't help it. 

I forget that some people are grossed out by bodily fluids and functions. I usually forget this at family functions until I look up and everyone is looking at me like this:

Source

In all seriousness though, nursing is a great profession. It is frustrating and it sucks all the energy from you. However, the day that you are pinned will be awesome; you will feel fulfilled and relieved. I love helping people. In the ER, I see 85% nonsense, as demonstrated by the memes above. Nonsense being frequent flyers, narcotic seekers, and people who abuse the emergency room. However, the 15% that I see who are ill and actually need my help, totally make up for the nonsense. It's a great profession and I encourage anyone considering it, to just go for it!

Source for the above memes were taken from here.
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Day #89.2: Vulnerable.

Being a nurse isn't easy. More specifically, being an emergency room nurse...isn't easy. I'm not saying all areas of nursing don't suck. I'm just saying sometimes my job...sucks.

I have seen people at the start of their lives...after their first fews breaths of life in this world. However, I have seen more people breathe their last breaths in this world. 

It is physically and emotionally draining and exhausting.

My experience with death, unfortunately, isn't lacking. My first memory of death was my grandma. She died when I was 12. Basically, right in front of me. She was talking one minute. The next minute I was screaming for my mom, 30 seconds later, I watched my mom give her mom CPR while we waited for the paramedics to arrive. I could go into more details, however, I won't. Let's just say, the memory is vivid.

I'll never forget the first patient who died on me. One minute he was awake and looking at me, the next minute he tongued his breathing tube out, 30 seconds later, his heart stopped. His family hugged me tightly for a long time as I sobbed and said "I'm so sorry". They were stronger than me that day.

Then there was the day when two of my friends and co-workers, had to sit me down and tell me my best friend died. I started working in the ER in 2008. That summer I was working a Saturday night shift, when a trauma came in. The trauma was my best friend, Brandon. When he came in, I had no idea who it was. CPR was in progress. My co-workers worked on him, probably for longer than they should have, knowing he was my friend. He was 26. He wasn't wearing his seat belt. He was also drinking. 

Two of my friends, took me into a consult room and told me "Brandon died". Probably one of the hardest things they had to do and probably some of the worst words I have ever heard. I screamed through my cries. I know what it feels like to be the family or friends, that are sat down and told their loved one died. I have been on that end. I am more often the person on the other side, working on the patient who is dead or dying, attempting to keep them alive. 

A middle age man came into the ER last summer. He was awake, he was talking. He was having a heart attack, severe enough that he had to receive treatment quickly. Hubby was working and I had him go with me to transfer this patient to the cardiac cath lab. His wife walked with us. Before we took him into the procedure room, we stopped to let her say good-bye to him. They kissed quickly, said I love you and separated, fully expecting to see each other in a few hours. 

He died within that hour.

Hubby and I went outside, processing what had just happened. He looked at me and said, "We were with her...we were there the last time they saw each other. We were there when they said good-bye." For some reason, this hit home and I freaking lost it. I cried for the next 2 days every time I thought about it.

My grandpa died this summer. He was awake and alert, several hours before he died. He made jokes. He flung (Yes, literally FLUNG) his dentures out of his mouth and said "I don't need these." He died a few hours later. He made up his mind. It was time. 

Today a twenty-something year old man came into the ER. He walked in with his father. He talked to me. He joked with me. I saw him from the moment he walked into the ER. I saw him the moment he unexpectedly died just over 4 hours later.

He was 2 years older than me. He walked in. He was talking and joking. He refused a wheelchair at first.

I'm not reflecting on these experiences to be morbid. I have dealt with a lot of emotional experiences in my short career. These are the ones I vividly remember. Somehow, just writing about them...makes me feel a tiny bit better.

Nursing is not easy. For some reason, people go into this career thinking it's an easy way to make money. Maybe for some it is. For most, it isn't.

It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. Sometimes you need to let it all out. Thank-you for listening to my rambles :)

Until tomorrow, 

Big, Beautiful & Broke... Chelsea